The Comedy of Those Extraordinary Twins Page 6

  "Yes," said the Judge, "it has struck me as peculiar. Peculiar and unfortunate. I was annoyed at it, all the time. In the case of Angelo it made no great difference, because he was in a measure concerned, though not officially; but it troubled me to see the seconds compromised, and yet I knew no way to mend the matter."

  "There was no way to mend it," said Howard, whose ear was being readjusted now by the doctor; " the code fixes our place, and it would not have been lawful to change it. If we could have stood at your side, or behind you, or in front of you, it-- but it would not have been legitimate and the other parties would have had a just right to complain of our trying to protect ourselves from danger; infractions of the code are certainly not permissible in any case whatever."

  Wilson offered no remarks. It seemed to him that there was very little place here for so much solemnity, but he judged that if a duel where nobody was in danger or got crippled but the seconds and the outsiders had nothing ridiculous about for these gentlemen, his pointing out that feature would probably not help them to see it.

  He invited them in to take a nightcap, and Howard and the Judge accepted, but the doctor said he would have to go and see how Angelo's principal wound was getting on.

  [It was now Sunday, and in the afternoon Angelo was to be received into the Baptist communion by immersion --a doubtful prospect, tile doctor feared.]

  CHAPTER VII.

  WHEN the doctor arrived at Aunt Patsy Cooper's house, he found the lights going and everybody up and dressed and in a great state of solicitude and excitement. The twins were stretched on a sofa in the sitting-room, Aunt Patsy was fussing at Angelo's arm, Nancy was flying around under her commands, the two young boys were trying to keep out of the way and always getting in it, in order to see and wonder, Rowena stood apart, helpless with apprehension and emotion, and Luigi was growling in unappeasable fury over Angelo's shameful flight.

  As has been reported before, the doctor was a fool--a kindhearted and well-meaning one, but with no tact; and as he was by long odds the most learned physician in the town, and was quite well aware of it, and could talk his learning with ease and precision, and liked to show off when he had an audience, he was sometimes tempted into revealing more of a case than was good for the patient.

  He examined Angelo's wound, and was really minded to say nothing for once; but Aunt Patsy was so anxious and so pressing that he allowed his caution to be overcome, and proceeded to empty himself as follows, with scientific relish--

  "Without going too much into detail, madam--for you would probably not understand it anyway--I concede that great care is going to be necessary here; otherwise exudation of the aesophagus is nearly sure to ensue, and this will be followed by ossification and extradition of the maxillaris superioris, which must decompose the granular surfaces of the great infusorial ganglionic system, thus obstructing the action of the posterior varioloid arteries, and precipitating compound strangulated sorosis of the valvular tissues, and ending unavoidably in the dispersion and combustion of the marsupial fluxes and the consequent embrocation of the bicuspid populo redax referendum rotulorum."

  A miserable silence followed. Aunt Patsy's heart sank, the pallor of despair invaded her face, she was not able to speak; poor Rowena wrung her hands in privacy and silence, and said to herself in the bitterness of her young grief, "There is no hope--it is plain there is no hope;" the good-hearted negro wench, Nancy, paled to chocolate, then to orange, then to amber, and thought to herself with yearning sympathy and sorrow, `` Po' thing, he ain' gwyne to las' throo de half o' cat;" small Henry choked up, and turned his head away to hide his rising tears, and his brother Joe said to himself, with a sense of loss, "The baptizing's busted, that's sure." Luigi was the only person who had any heart to speak. He said, a little bit sharply, to the doctor--

  "Well, well, there 's nothing to be gained by wasting precious time: give him a barrel of pills--I'll take them for him."

  "You? " asked the doctor.

  "Yes. Did you suppose he was going to take them himself?"

  "Why, of course."

  "Well, it's a mistake. He never took a dose of medicine in his life. He can't."

  " Well, upon my word, it 's the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of ! "

  "Oh," said Aunt Patsy, as pleased as a mother whose child is being admired and wondered at, " you'll find that there's more about them that's wonderful than their just being made in the image of God like the rest of His creatures, now you can depend on that, I tell you," and she wagged her complacent head like one who could reveal marvelous things if she chose.

  The boy Joe began--

  " Why, ma, they ain't made in the im---- "

  "You shut up, and wait till you're asked, Joe. I'll let you know when I want help. Are you looking for something, Doctor?" The doctor asked for a few sheets of paper and a pen, and said he would write a prescription; which he did. It was one of Galen's; in fact, it was Galen's favorite, and had been slaying people for sixteen thousand years. Galen used it for everything, applied it to everything, said it would remove everything, from warts all the way through to lungs--and it generally did. Galen was still the only medical authority recognized in Missouri; his practice was the only practice known to the Missouri doctors, and his prescriptions were the only ammunition they carried when they went out for game. By and by Dr. Claypool laid down his pen and read the result of his labors aloud, carefully and deliberately, for this battery must be constructed on the premises by the family, and mistakes could occur; for he wrote a doctor's hand the hand which from the beginning of time has been so disastrous to the apothecary and so profitable to the undertaker:

  "Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half; of cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus, each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium, gum tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, celtic, nerd, spignel, hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise, each one dram; of xylaloes, rheum ponticum, alipta moschata, castor, spikenard, galangals, opoponax, anacardium, mastich, brimstone, peony, eringo, pulp of dates, red and white hermodactyls, roses, thyme, acorns, pennyroyal, gentian, the bark of the root of mandrake, germander, valerian, bishop's weed, bay-berries, long and white pepper, xylobalsamum, carnabadium, macedonian, parsley-seeds, lovage, the seeds of rue, and sinon, of each a dram and a half; of pure gold, pure silver, pearls not perforated, the blatta byzantina, the bone of the stag's heart, of each the quantity of fourteen grains of wheat; of sapphire, emerald and jasper stones, each one dram; of hazel-nut, two drams; of pellitory of Spain, shavings of ivory, calamus odoratus, each the quantity of twenty-nine grains of wheat; of hon‚y or sugar a sufficient quantity. Boil down and skim off."

  "There," he said, " that will fix the patient; give his brother a dipperful every three-quarters of an hour-- "

  --"while he survives," muttered Luigi--

  --" and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and windows closed tight. Keep Count Angelo nicely covered up with six or seven blankets, and when he is thirsty--which will be frequently --moisten a rag in the vapor of the tea-kettle and let his brother suck it. When he is hungry--which will also be frequently--he must not be humored oftener than every seven or eight hours; then toast part of a cracker until it begins to brown, and give it to his brother."

  "That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned," said Luigi, "but what am I to eat?"

  "I do not see that there is anything the matter with you," the doctor answered, " you may of course eat what you please."

  "And also drink what I please, I suppose? "

  "Oh, certainly-at present. When the violent and continuous perspiring has reduced your strength, I shall have to reduce your diet, of course, and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile. "He turned to Aunt Patsy and said: "He must be put to bed, and sat up with, and tended with the greatest care, and not allowed to stir for several days and nights."

  "For one, I 'm sacredly
thankful for that," said Lulgi, "it postpones the funeral--I 'm not to be drowned to-day, anyhow."

  Angelo said quietly to the doctor:

  "I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two o'clock this afternoon, and will resume them after three, but cannot be confined to the house during that intermediate hour."

  " Why, may I ask? "

  "Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to be baptized in the river at that hour."

  "Oh, insanity !--it cannot be allowed ! "

  Angelo answered with placid firmness--

  "Nothing shall prevent it, if I am alive."

  "Why, consider, my dear sir, in your condition it might prove fatal."

  A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo's eyes, and he broke forth in a tone of joyous fervency--

  "Ah, how blessed it would be to die for such a cause--it would be martydom!"

  "But your brother-consider your brother; you would be risking his life, too."

  "He risked mine an hour ago," responded Angelo, gloomily; "did he consider me?" A thought swept through his mind that made him shudder." If I had not run, I might have been killed in a duel on the Sabbath day, and my soul would have been lost--lost."

  "Oh, don't fret, it was n't in any danger," said Lulgi, irritably; "they would n't waste it for a little thing like that; there 's a glass case all ready for it in the heavenly museum, and a pin to stick it up with."

  Aunt Patsy was shocked, and said--

  " Looy, Looy !--don't talk so, dear ! "

  Rowena's soft heart was pierced by Luigi's unfeeling words, and she murmured to herself, "Oh, if I but had the dear privilege of protecting and defending him with my weak voice! --but alas, this sweet boon is denied me by the cruel conventions of social intercourse."

  "Get their bed ready," said Aunt Patsy to Nancy, `` and shut up the windows and doors, and light their candles, and see that you drive all the mosquitoes out of their bar, and make up a good fire in their stove, and carry up some bags of hot ashes to lay to his feet---- "

  -- "and a shovel of fire for his head, and a mustard plaster for his neck, and some gum shoes for his ears," Luigi interrupted, with temper; and added, to himself, `` Damnation, I'm going to be roasted alive, I just know it !"

  "Why, Looy! Do be quiet; I never saw such a fractious thing. A body would think you did n't care for your brother."

  "I don't--to that extent, Aunt Patsy. I was glad the drowning was postponed a minute ago, but I'm not, now. No, that is all gone by: I want to be drowned."

  "You '11 bring a judgment on yourself just as sure as you live, if you go on like that. Why, I never heard the beat of it. Now, there,--there! you've said enough. Not another word out of you,--I won't have it!"

  "But, Aunt Patsy---- "

  "Luigi ! Did n't you hear what I told you?"

  "But, Aunt Patsy, I--why, I 'm not going to set my heart and lungs afloat in that pail of sewage which this criminal here has been prescri---- "

  "Yes, you are, too. You are going to be good, and do everything I tell you, like a dear," and she tapped his cheek affectionately with her finger. "Rowena, take the prescription and go in the kitchen and hunt up the things and lay them out for me. I 'l1 sit up with my patient the rest of the night, Doctor; I can't trust Nancy, she could n't make Luigi take the medicine. Of course you'll drop in again during the day. Have you got any more directions?"

  "No, I believe not, Aunt Patsy. If I don't get in earlier, I '11 be along by early candlelight, anyway. Meantime, don't allow him to get out of his bed."

  Angelo said, with calm determination--

  "I shall be baptized at two o'clock. Nothing but death shall prevent me.

  The doctor said nothing aloud, but to himself he said:

  "Why, this chap s got a manly side, after all! Physically he 's a coward, but morally he's a lion. I '11 go and tell the others about this; it will raise him a good deal in their estimation--and the public will follow their lead, of course."

  Privately, Aunt Patsy applauded too, and was proud of Angelo's courage in the moral field es she was of Luigi's in the field of honor.

  The boy Henry was troubled, but the boy Joe said, inaudibly, and gratefully, " We 're all hunky, after all; and no postponement on account of the weather."

  CHAPTER VIII.

  BY nine o'clock the town was humming with the news of the midnight duel, and there were but two opinions about it: one, that Luigi's pluck in the field was most praiseworthy and Angelo's flight most scandalous; the other, that Angelo's courage in flying the field for conscience' sake was as fine and creditable as was Luigi's in holding the field in the face of the bullets. The one opinion was held by half of the town, the other one was maintained by the other half. The division was clean and exact, and it made two parties, an Angelo party and a Luigi party. The twins had suddenly become popular idols along with Pudd'nhead Wilson, and haloed with a glory as intense as his. The children talked the duel all the way to Sunday-school, their elders talked it all the way to church, the choir discussed it behind their red curtain, it usurped the place of pious thought in the "nigger gallery."

  By noon the doctor had added the news, and spread it, that Count Angelo, in spite of his wound and all warnings and supplications, was resolute in his determination to be baptised at the hour appointed. This swept the town like wildfire, and mightily reinforced the enthusism of the Angelo faction, who said, "If any doubted that it was moral courage that took him from the field, what have they to say now! "

  Still the excitement grew. All the morning it was traveling countrywards, toward all points of the compass; so, whereas before only the farmers and their wives were intending to come end witness the remarkable baptism, a general holiday was now proclaimed and the children and negroes admitted to the privileges of the occasion. All the farms for ten miles around were vacated, all the converging roads emptied long processions of wagons, horses and yeomanry into the town. The pack and cram of people vastly exceeded any that had ever been seen in that sleepy region before. The only thing that had ever even approached it, was the time long gone by, but never forgot- ten, nor even referred to without wonder and pride, when two circuses and a Fourth of July fell together. But the glory of that occasion was extinguished, now, for good. It was but a freshet to this deluge.

  The great invasion massed itself on the river bank and waited hungrily for the immense event. Waited, and wondered if it would really happen, or if the twin who was not a "professor " would stand out and prevent it.

  But they were not to be disappointed. Angelo was as good as his word. He came attended by an escort of honor composed of several hundred of the best citizens, all of the Angelo party; and when the immersion was finished they escorted him back home; and would even have carried him on their shoulders, but that people might think they were carrying Lulgi.

  Far into the night the citizens continued to discuss and wonder over the strangely-mated pair of incidents that had distinguished and exalted the past twenty-four hours above any other twenty-four in the history of their town for picturesqueness and splendid interest; and long before the lights were out and burghers asleep it had been decided on all hands that in capturing these twins Dawson's Landing had drawn a prize in the great lottery of municipal fortune.

  At midnight Angelo was sleeping peacefully. His immersion had not harmed him, it had merely made him wholesomely drowsy, and he had been dead asleep many hours now. It had made Luigi drowsy, too, but he had got only brief naps, on account of his having to take the medicine every three-quarters of an hour--and Annt Betsy Hale was there to see that he did it. When he complained and resisted, she was quietly firm with him, and said in a low voice:

  "No--no, that won't do; you must n't talk, and you must n't retch and gag that way, either--you '11 wake up your poor brother."

  "Well, what of it, Aunt Betsy, he "

  "Sh-h ! Don't make a noise, dear. You must n't forget that your poor brother is sick and----"


  "Sick, is he? Well, I wish I----"

  "Sh-h-h ! Will you be quiet, Luigi! Here, now, take the rest of it-don't keep me holding the dipper all night. I declare if you have n't left a good fourth of it in the bottom ! Come-that's a good boy."

  "Aunt Betsy, don't make me ! I feel like I've swallowed a cemetery; I do, indeed. Do let me rest a little-just a little; I can't take any more of the devilish stuff, now."

  "Luigi ! Using such language here, and him just baptised ! Do you want the roof to fall on you?"

  "I wish to goodness it would ! "

  "Why, you dreadful thing! I've a good notion to--let that blanket alone; do you want your brother to catch his death? "

  "Aunt Betsy, I 've got to have it off, I'm being roasted alive; nobody could stand it-- you could n't, yourself."

  "Now, then, you 're sneezing again--I just expected it. "

  "Because I 've caught a cold in my head. I always do, when I go in the water with my clothes on. And it takes me weeks to get over it, too. I think it was a shame to serve me so."

  "Luigi, you are unreasonable; you know very well they could n't baptise him dry. I should think you would be willing to undergo a little inconvenience for your brother's sake."

  "Inconvenience! Now how you talk, Aunt Betsy. I came as near as anything to getting drowned--you saw that, yourself; and do you call this inconvenience?--the room shut up as tight as a drum, and so hot the mosquitoes are trying to get out; and a cold in the head, and dying for sleep and no chance to get any on account of this infamous medicine that that assassin prescri----"

  "There, you 're sneezing again. I 'm going down and mix some more of this truck for you, dear."

  CHAPTER IX.

  DURING Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse; but then the doctor was summoned south to attend his mother's funeral and they got well in forty-eight hours. They appeared on the street on Friday, and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the new-born parties, the Luigi and Angelo factions. The Luigi faction carried its strength into the Democratic party, the Angelo faction entered into a combination with the Whigs. The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new city government, and the Whigs put up Angelo against him. The Democrats nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor, and he was left alone in this glory, for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists against such a formidable opponent. No politician had scored such a compliment as this before in the history of the Mississippi Valley.