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  HUMOROUS HITS

  AND

  How to Hold an Audience

  HUMOROUS HITS

  AND

  How to Hold an Audience

  A COLLECTION OF SHORTSELECTIONS, STORIES ANDSKETCHES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

  By

  GRENVILLE KLEISER

  _Author of "How to Speak in Public"_

  _THIRTEENTH EDITION_

  FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANYNEW YORK AND LONDON

  COPYRIGHT 1908 BYFUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY_Printed in the United States of America_Published March, 1908

  INTRODUCTORY

  In preparing this volume the author has been guided by his own platformexperience extending over twelve years. During that time he has givenhundreds of public recitals before audiences of almost everydescription, and in all parts of the country. It may not be consideredpresumptuous, therefore, for him to offer some practical suggestions onthe art of entertaining and holding an audience, and to indicate certainselections which he has found have in themselves the elements ofsuccess.

  The "encore fiend," as he is sometimes called, is so ubiquitous andinsistent that no speaker or reader can afford to ignore him, and,indeed, must prepare for him in advance. To find material that willsatisfy him in one or in a dozen of the ordinary books of selections isan almost impossible task. It is only too obvious that many compilationsof the kind are put together by persons who have had little or nopractical platform experience. In an attempt to remedy this defect thisvolume has been prepared.

  It is believed that the book will be valuable not only to the amateurand the professional reader, speaker, elocutionist, and entertainer, butalso to the after-dinner and impromptu speaker, the politician who wantsto make a "hit," the business man who wishes to tell a good story andtell it effectively, the school-teacher in arranging her "FridayAfternoon" programs, as well as for reading aloud in the family circle,and for many other occasions.

  Providing, as this work does, helpful hints on how to hold an audience,it is hoped that the additional suggestions offered regarding the use ofthe voice and its modulation, the art of pausing, the development offeeling and energy, the use of gesture and action, the cultivation ofthe imagination, the committing of selections to memory, and thestanding before an audience, while not as elaborate and detailed asfound in a regular manual of elocution, will be of practical benefit tothose who can not conveniently command the services of a personalinstructor.

  The author has been greatly assisted in this undertaking not only by thekind permission of publishers and authors to use their copyrighted work,but also by the hearty cooperation of many distinguished platformspeakers and readers who have generously contributed successfulselections not hitherto published.

  The author gratefully acknowledges the special permission granted him bythe publishers to print the following copyright selections: "KeepA-goin'!" the Bobbs-Merrill Company, "A Modern Romance," the Publishersof _The Smart Set_; "The Fool's Prayer," Houghton, Mifflin & Company;"Mammy's Li'l Boy," and "'Spaecially Jim," the Century Company; "CountingOne Hundred," the Lothrop, Lee & Shepard Company; "At Five O'clock Tea,"the Publishers of _Lippincott's Magazine_.

  GRENVILLE KLEISER.

  _New York City, February, 1908._

  CONTENTS

  PAGE

  INTRODUCTORY v

  PART I--HOW TO HOLD AN AUDIENCE

  THE VOICE 4

  THE BREATH 6

  MODULATION 8

  PAUSING 10

  FEELING AND ENERGY 11

  GESTURE AND ACTION 12

  IMPERSONATION 13

  ARTICULATION AND PRONUNCIATION 13

  IMAGINATION 14

  HOW TO MEMORIZE A SELECTION 16

  BEFORE THE AUDIENCE 18

  PART II--HUMOROUS HITS

  THE TRAIN-MISSER _James Whitcomb Riley_ 23

  THE ELOCUTIONIST'S CURFEW _W. D. Nesbit_ 24

  MELPOMENUS JONES _Stephen Leacock_ 25

  HER FIFTEEN MINUTES _Tom Masson_ 28

  THE FOXES' TAILS _Anonymous_ 29

  THE DEAD KITTEN " 33

  THE WEATHER FIEND " 34

  THE RACE QUESTION _Paul Laurence Dunbar_ 35

  WHEN THE WOODBINE TURNS RED _Anonymous_ 38

  CUPID'S CASUISTRY _W. J. Lampton_ 39

  WHEN MAH LADY YAWNS _Charles T. Grilley_ 39

  WATCHIN' THE SPARKIN' _Fred Emerson Brooks_ 40

  THE WAY OF A WOMAN _Byron W. King_ 42

  THE YACHT CLUB SPEECH _Anonymous_ 43

  MAMMY'S LI'L' BOY _H. S. Edwards_ 44

  CORYDON _Thomas Bailey Aldrich_ 47

  GIB HIM ONE UB MINE _Daniel Webster Davis_ 49

  A LESSON WITH THE FAN _Anonymous_ 50

  THE UNDERTOW _Carrie Blake Morgan_ 51

  MARKETING _Anonymous_ 52

  A SPRING IDYL ON "GRASS" _Nixon Waterman_ 52

  INTRODUCIN' THE SPEECHER _Edwin L. Barker_ 54

  COUNTING ONE HUNDRED _James M. Bailey_ 57

  THEY NEVER QUARRELED _Anonymous_ 58

  SONG OF THE "L" _Grenville Kleiser_ 60

  THE VILLAGE ORACLE _J. L. Harbour_ 62

  IF I CAN BE BY HER _Benjamin Franklin King_ 65

  MCCARTHY AND MCMANUS _Anonymous_ 66

  AND SHE CRIED _Minna Irving_ 68

  DOT LEEDLE BOY _James Whitcomb Riley_ 69

  MR. DOOLEY ON THE GRIP _Finlay Peter Dunne_ 73

  A RAINY DAY EPISODE _Anonymous_ 75

  I KNEW HE WOULD COME IF I WAITED _H. G. Williamson_ 76

  LOVE'S MOODS AND SENSES _Anonymous_ 77

  A NOCTURNAL SKETCH _Thomas Hood_ 78

  KATIE'S ANSWER _Anonymous_ 79

  "'SPAeCIALLY JIM" " 80

  AGNES, I LOVE THEE! " 81

  THE GORILLA " 82

  BANGING A SENSATIONAL NOVELIST " 83

  HOPKINS' LAST MOMENTS " 84

  THE FAIRIES' TEA " 85

  COUNTING EGGS _Anonymous_ 86

  THE OATMOBILE " 87

  ALMOST BEYOND ENDURANCE _James Whitcomb Riley_ 89

  PROOF POSITIVE _Anonymous_ 90

/>   THE IRISH PHILOSOPHER " 91

  BELAGCHOLLY " 93

  A PANTOMIME SPEECH " 93

  THE ORIGINAL LAMB " 95

  WHEN PA WAS A BOY _S. E. Kiser_ 95

  THE FRECKLED-FACED GIRL _Anonymous_ 96

  WILLIE _Max Ehrmann_ 98

  AMATEUR NIGHT _Anonymous_ 98

  BOUNDING THE UNITED STATES _John Fiske_ 101

  DER DOG UND DER LOBSTER _Anonymous_ 102

  HE LAUGHED LAST " 103

  NORAH MURPHY AND THE SPIRITS _Henry Hatton_ 104

  OPIE READ _Wallace Bruce Amsbary_ 107

  THE VILLAGE CHOIR _Anonymous_ 108

  BILLY OF NEBRASKA _J. W. Bengough_ 110

  DOT LAMBS VOT MARY HAF GOT _Anonymous_ 112

  GEORGA WASHINGDONE " 113

  DA 'MERICANA GIRL _T. A. Daly_ 114

  BECKY MILLER _Anonymous_ 115

  PAT AND THE MAYOR " 116

  THE WIND AND THE MOON _George MacDonald_ 118

  TOTAL ANNIHILATION _Anonymous_ 120

  UPS AND DOWNS OF MARRIED LIFE " 121

  THE CROOKED MOUTH FAMILY " 122

  "IMPH-M" " 124

  THE USUAL WAY " 125

  NOTHING SUITED HIM " 126

  A LITTE FELLER " 126

  ROBIN TAMSON'S SMIDDY _Alexander Rodger_ 127

  A BIG MISTAKE _Anonymous_ 129

  LORD DUNDREARY'S LETTER " 131

  SLANG PHRASES " 133

  THE MERCHANT AND THE BOOK AGENT " 134

  THE COON'S LULLABY " 136

  PARODY ON BARBARA FRIETCHIE " 137

  BEFORE AND AFTER _Charles T. Grilley_ 139

  WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK _Anonymous_ 140

  MR. POTTS' STORY _Max Adeler_ 141

  AT FIVE O'CLOCK TEA _Morris Wade_ 143

  KEEP A-GOIN'! _Frank L. Stanton_ 145

  A LOVER'S QUARREL _Cynthia Coles_ 146

  CASEY AT THE BAT _Phineas Thayer_ 147

  FAMILIAR LINES _Anonymous_ 149

  A FRIENDLY GAME OF CHECKERS " 150

  MODERN ROMANCE _Henry M. Blossom, Jr._ 152

  LULLABY _Paul Laurence Dunbar_ 153

  THE REASON WHY _Mary E. Bradley_ 154

  HOW A BACHELOR SEWS ON A BUTTON _Anonymous_ 154

  CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS " 155

  THE FLY " 156

  THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL" _W. S. Gilbert_ 157

  I TOL' YER SO _John L. Heaton_ 160

  "YOU GIT UP!" _Joe Kerr_ 161

  PRESENTATION OF THE TRUMPET _Anonymous_ 162

  DON'T USE BIG WORDS " 163

  DER MULE SHTOOD ON DER STEAMBOAD DECK " 164

  THE NEW SCHOOL READER " 165

  THE POOR WAS MAD _Charles Battell Loomis_ 167

  LIDES TO BARY JADE _Anonymous_ 168

  "CHARLIE MUST NOT RING TO-NIGHT" _Anonymous_ 169

  A SHORT ENCORE " 170

  MY DOUBLE, AND HOW HE UNDID ME _Edward Everett Hale_ 171

  ROMANCE OF A HAMMOCK _Anonymous_ 173

  FINNIGIN TO FLANNIGAN _S. W. Gillinan_ 175

  AN INTRODUCTION _Mark Twain_ 177

  THE HARP OF A THOUSAND STRINGS _Joshua S. Morris_ 177

  THE DIFFICULTY OF RIMING _Anonymous_ 179

  SO WAS I _Joseph Bert Smiley_ 181

  THE ENCHANTED SHIRT _John Hay_ 183

  DEB OAK UND DER VINE _Charles Follen Adams_ 185

  THE SHIP OF FAITH _Anonymous_ 187

  HE WANTED TO KNOW " 188

  AN OPPORTUNITY " 190

  GAPE-SEED " 190

  LARIAT BILL " 192

  THE CANDIDATE _Bill Nye_ 193

  ONE AFTERNOON _Anonymous_ 196

  NOT IN IT " 198

  A TWILIGHT IDYL _Robert J. Burdette_ 199

  LAVERY'S HENS _Anonymous_ 201

  LISP " 202

  THEY MET BY CHANCE " 203

  THE BRIDEGROOM'S TOAST " 203

  REHEARSING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS _Stanley Huntley_ 204

  THE V-A-S-E _James Jeffrey Roche_ 206

  PAPA AND THE BOY _J. L. Harbour_ 208

  THE OBSTRUCTIVE HAT IN THE PIT _F. Anstey_ 210

  HULLO _S. W. Foss_ 213

  THE DUTCHMAN'S TELEPHONE _Anonymous_ 214

  DOCTOR MARIGOLD _Charles Dickens_ 216

  THE RULING PASSION _William H. Siviter_ 219

  THE DUTCHMAN'S SERENADE _Anonymous_ 220

  WIDOW MALONE _Charles Lever_ 222

  HIS LEG SHOT OFF _Anonymous_ 224

  THE STUTTERING UMPIRE _The Khan_ 225

  THE MAN WHO WILL MAKE A SPEECH _Anonymous_ 227

  CARLOTTA MIA _T. A. Daly_ 228

  THE VASSAR GIRL _Wallace Irwin_ 229

  A SHORT SERMON _Anonymous_ 231

  A LANCASHIRE DIALECTIC SKETCH " 232

  HIS BLACKSTONIAN CIRCUMLOCUTION " 233

  KATRINA LIKES ME POODY VELL " 234

  AT THE RESTAURANT " 235

  A-FEARED OF A GAL " 237

  LEAVING OUT THE JOKE " 238

  THE CYCLOPEEDY _Eugene Field_ 239

  ECHO _John G. Saxe_ 244

  OUR RAILROADS _Anonymous_ 245

  WAKIN' THE YOUNG 'UNS _John C. Boss_ 247

  PAT'S REASON _Anonymous_ 249

  QUIT YOUR FOOLIN' " 250

  SHE WOULD BE A MASON _James L. Laughton_ 251

  HENRY THE FIFTH'S WOOING
_Shakespeare_ 254

  SCENE FROM "THE RIVALS" _Richard Brinsley Sheridan_ 258

  SCENES FROM "RIP VAN WINKLE" _As Recited by Burbank_ 261

  PART III--SERIOUS HITS

  IF WE HAD THE TIME _Richard Burton_ 267

  THE FOOL'S PRAYER _Edward Rowland Sill_ 268

  THE EVE OF WATERLOO _Byron_ 269

  THE WRECK OF THE JULIE PLANTE _W. H. Drummond_ 271

  FATHER'S WAY _Eugene Field_ 272

  I AM CONTENT _Carmen Sylva Translation_ 274

  THE EAGLE'S SONG _Richard Mansfield_ 275

  BREAK, BREAK, BREAK _Alfred, Lord Tennyson_ 277

  VIRGINIUS _Macaulay_ 277

  THE WOMEN OF MUMBLES HEAD _Clement Scott_ 279

  WILLIAM TELL AND HIS BOY _William Baine_ 282

  LASCA _F. Desprez_ 284

  THE VOLUNTEER ORGANIST _S. W. Foss_ 287

  LIFE COMPARED TO A GAME OF CARDS _Anonymous_ 289

  OLD DADDY TURNER " 290

  THE TRAMP " 292

  THE DANDY FIFTH _F. H. Gassaway_ 293

  ON LINCOLN _Walt Whitman_ 296

  THE LITTLE STOWAWAY _Anonymous_ 296

  SAINT CRISPIAN'S DAY _Shakespeare_ 299

  THE C'RRECT CARD _George R. Sims_ 300

  THE ENGINEER'S STORY _Rosa H. Thorpe_ 303

  THE FACE UPON THE FLOOR _H. Antoine D'Arcy_ 306

  THE FUNERAL OF THE FLOWERS _T. De Witt Talmage_ 309

  CATO'S SOLILOQUY ON IMMORTALITY _Joseph Addison_ 311

  OPPORTUNITY _John J. Ingalls_ 312

  OPPORTUNITY'S REPLY _Walter Malone_ 312

  THE EARL-KING _Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe_ 313

  CARCASSONNE _M. E. W. Sherwood_ 314

  THE MUSICIANS _Anonymous_ 315

  ON THE RAPPAHANNOCK " 317

  COMO _Joaquin Miller_ 319

  AUX ITALIENS _Owen Meredith_ 322