Alonzo Fitz, and Other Stories Read online

  CONCERNING THE AMERICAN LANGUAGE --

  [Being part of a chapter which was crowded out of "A Tramp Abroad."--M.T.]

  There was as Englishman in our compartment, and he complimented meon--on what? But you would never guess. He complimented me on myEnglish. He said Americans in general did not speak the English languageas correctly as I did. I said I was obliged to him for his compliment,since I knew he meant it for one, but that I was not fairly entitled toit, for I did not speak English at all--I only spoke American.

  He laughed, and said it was a distinction without a difference. I saidno, the difference was not prodigious, but still it was considerable. Wefell into a friendly dispute over the matter. I put my case as well as Icould, and said:--

  "The languages were identical several generations ago, but our changedconditions and the spread of our people far to the south and far tothe west have made many alterations in our pronunciation, and haveintroduced new words among us and changed the meanings of many old ones.English people talk through their noses; we do not. We say know, Englishpeople say nao; we say cow, the Briton says kaow; we--"

  "Oh, come! that is pure Yankee; everybody knows that."

  "Yes, it is pure Yankee; that is true. One cannot hear it in Americaoutside of the little corner called New England, which is Yankee land.The English themselves planted it there, two hundred and fifty yearsago, and there it remains; it has never spread. But England talksthrough her nose yet; the Londoner and the backwoods New-Englanderpronounce 'know' and 'cow' alike, and then the Briton unconsciouslysatirizes himself by making fun of the Yankee's pronunciation."

  We argued this point at some length; nobody won; but no matter, the factremains Englishmen say nao and kaow for "know" and "cow," and that iswhat the rustic inhabitant of a very small section of America does.

  "You conferred your 'a' upon New England, too, and there it remains; ithas not traveled out of the narrow limits of those six little statesin all these two hundred and fifty years. All England uses it, NewEngland's small population--say four millions--use it, but we haveforty-five millions who do not use it. You say 'glahs of wawtah,' sodoes New England; at least, New England says 'glahs.' America at largeflattens the 'a', and says 'glass of water.' These sounds are pleasanterthan yours; you may think they are not right--well, in English they arenot right, but in 'American' they are. You say 'flahsk' and 'bahsket,' and'jackahss'; we say 'flask,' 'basket,' 'jackass'--sounding the 'a' as itis in 'tallow,' 'fallow,' and so on. Up to as late as 1847 Mr. Webster'sDictionary had the impudence to still pronounce 'basket' bahsket, whenhe knew that outside of his little New England all America shortened the'a' and paid no attention to his English broadening of it. However, itcalled itself an English Dictionary, so it was proper enough that itshould stick to English forms, perhaps. It still calls itself an EnglishDictionary today, but it has quietly ceased to pronounce 'basket' as ifit were spelt 'bahsket.' In the American language the 'h' is respected;the 'h' is not dropped or added improperly."

  "The same is the case in England--I mean among the educated classes, ofcourse."

  "Yes, that is true; but a nation's language is a very large matter. Itis not simply a manner of speech obtaining among the educated handful;the manner obtaining among the vast uneducated multitude must beconsidered also. Your uneducated masses speak English, you will not denythat; our uneducated masses speak American it won't be fair for you todeny that, for you can see, yourself, that when your stable-boy says,'It isn't the 'unting that 'urts the 'orse, but the 'ammer, 'ammer,'ammer on the 'ard 'ighway,' and our stable-boy makes the same remarkwithout suffocating a single h, these two people are manifestly talkingtwo different languages. But if the signs are to be trusted, even youreducated classes used to drop the 'h.' They say humble, now, and heroic,and historic etc., but I judge that they used to drop those h's becauseyour writers still keep up the fashion of putting an AN before those wordsinstead of A. This is what Mr. Darwin might call a 'rudimentary' signthat as an was justifiable once, and useful when your educated classesused to say 'umble, and 'eroic, and 'istorical. Correct writers of theAmerican language do not put an before those words."

  The English gentleman had something to say upon this matter, butnever mind what he said--I'm not arguing his case. I have him at adisadvantage, now. I proceeded:

  "In England you encourage an orator by exclaiming, 'H'yaah! h'yaah!' Wepronounce it heer in some sections, 'h'yer' in others, and so on; butour whites do not say 'h'yaah,' pronouncing the a's like the a in ah.I have heard English ladies say 'don't you'--making two separate anddistinct words of it; your Mr. Burnand has satirized it. But we alwayssay 'dontchu.' This is much better. Your ladies say, 'Oh, it's ofulnice!' Ours say, 'Oh, it's awful nice!' We say, 'Four hundred,' you say'For'--as in the word or. Your clergymen speak of 'the Lawd,' ours of'the Lord'; yours speak of 'the gawds of the heathen,' ours of 'the godsof the heathen.' When you are exhausted, you say you are 'knockedup.' We don't. When you say you will do a thing 'directly,' you mean'immediately'; in the American language--generally speaking--the wordsignifies 'after a little.' When you say 'clever,' you mean 'capable';with us the word used to mean 'accommodating,' but I don't know what itmeans now. Your word 'stout' means 'fleshy'; our word 'stout' usuallymeans 'strong.' Your words 'gentleman' and 'lady' have a very restrictedmeaning; with us they include the barmaid, butcher, burglar, harlot, andhorse-thief. You say, 'I haven't got any stockings on,' 'I haven't gotany memory,' 'I haven't got any money in my purse; we usually say, 'Ihaven't any stockings on,' 'I haven't any memory!' 'I haven't any moneyin my purse.' You say 'out of window'; we always put in a the. Ifone asks 'How old is that man?' the Briton answers, 'He will be aboutforty'; in the American language we should say, 'He is about forty.'However, I won't tire you, sir; but if I wanted to, I could pileup differences here until I not only convinced you that English andAmerican are separate languages, but that when I speak my native tonguein its utmost purity an Englishman can't understand me at all."

  "I don't wish to flatter you, but it is about all I can do to understandyou now."

  That was a very pretty compliment, and it put us on the pleasantestterms directly--I use the word in the English sense.

  [Later--1882. Esthetes in many of our schools are now beginning to teachthe pupils to broaden the 'a,' and to say "don't you," in the elegantforeign way.]