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  THE FACTS IN THE CASE OF THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT--[Written about 1867.]

  In as few words as possible I wish to lay before the nation what share,howsoever small, I have had in this matter--this matter which has soexercised the public mind, engendered so much ill-feeling, and so filledthe newspapers of both continents with distorted statements andextravagant comments.

  The origin of this distressful thing was this--and I assert here thatevery fact in the following resume can be amply proved by the officialrecords of the General Government.

  John Wilson Mackenzie, of Rotterdam, Chemung County, New Jersey,deceased, contracted with the General Government, on or about the 10thday of October, 1861, to furnish to General Sherman the sum total ofthirty barrels of beef.

  Very well.

  He started after Sherman with the beef, but when he got to WashingtonSherman had gone to Manassas; so he took the beef and followed him there,but arrived too late; he followed him to Nashville, and from Nashville toChattanooga, and from Chattanooga to Atlanta--but he never could overtakehim. At Atlanta he took a fresh start and followed him clear through hismarch to the sea. He arrived too late again by a few days; but hearingthat Sherman was going out in the Quaker City excursion to the Holy Land,he took shipping for Beirut, calculating to head off the other vessel.When he arrived in Jerusalem with his beef, he learned that Sherman hadnot sailed in the Quaker City, but had gone to the Plains to fight theIndians. He returned to America and started for the Rocky Mountains.After sixty-eight days of arduous travel on the Plains, and when he hadgot within four miles of Sherman's headquarters, he was tomahawked andscalped, and the Indians got the beef. They got all of it but onebarrel. Sherman's army captured that, and so, even in death, the boldnavigator partly fulfilled his contract. In his will, which he had keptlike a journal, he bequeathed the contract to his son Bartholomew W.Bartholomew W. made out the following bill, and then died:

  THE UNITED STATES

  In account with JOHN WILSON MACKENZIE, of New Jersey, deceased, . . . . . . . . . . Dr.

  To thirty barrels of beef for General Sherman, at $100, $3,000 To traveling expenses and transportation . . . . . 14,000

  Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $17,000 Rec'd Pay't.

  He died then; but he left the contract to Wm. J. Martin, who tried tocollect it, but died before he got through. He left it to Barker J.Allen, and he tried to collect it also. He did not survive. Barker J.Allen left it to Anson G. Rogers, who attempted to collect it, and gotalong as far as the Ninth Auditor's Office, when Death, the greatLeveler, came all unsummoned, and foreclosed on him also. He left thebill to a relative of his in Connecticut, Vengeance Hopkins by name, wholasted four weeks and two days, and made the best time on record, comingwithin one of reaching the Twelfth Auditor. In his will he gave thecontract bill to his uncle, by the name of O-be-joyful Johnson. It wastoo undermining for Joyful. His last words were: "Weep not for me--I amwilling to go." And so he was, poor soul. Seven people inherited thecontract after that; but they all died. So it came into my hands atlast. It fell to me through a relative by the name of, Hubbard--Bethlehem Hubbard, of Indiana. He had had a grudge against me for along time; but in his last moments he sent for me, and forgave meeverything, and, weeping, gave me the beef contract.

  This ends the history of it up to the time that I succeeded to theproperty. I will now endeavor to set myself straight before the nationin everything that concerns my share in the matter. I took this beefcontract, and the bill for mileage and transportation, to the Presidentof the United States.

  He said, "Well, sir, what can I do for you?"

  I said, "Sire, on or about the 10th day of October, 1861, John WilsonMackenzie, of Rotterdam, Chemung County, New Jersey, deceased, contractedwith the General Government to furnish to General Sherman the sum totalof thirty barrels of beef--"

  He stopped me there, and dismissed me from his presence--kindly, butfirmly. The next day I called on the Secretary of State.

  He said, "Well, sir?"

  I said, "Your Royal Highness: on or about the 10th day of October, 1861,John Wilson Mackenzie of Rotterdam, Chemung County, New Jersey, deceased,contracted with the General Government to furnish to General Sherman thesum total of thirty barrels of beef--"

  "That will do, sir--that will do; this office has nothing to do withcontracts for beef."

  I was bowed out. I thought the matter all over and finally, thefollowing day, I visited the Secretary of the Navy, who said, "Speakquickly, sir; do not keep me waiting."

  I said, "Your Royal Highness, on or about the 10th day of October, 1861,John Wilson Mackenzie of Rotterdam, Chemung County, New Jersey, deceased,contracted with the General Government to General Sherman the sum totalof thirty barrels of beef--"

  Well, it was as far as I could get. He had nothing to do with beefcontracts for General Sherman, either. I began to think it was a curiouskind of government. It looked somewhat as if they wanted to get out ofpaying for that beef. The following day I went to the Secretary of theInterior.

  I said, "Your Imperial Highness, on or about the 10th day of October--"

  "That is sufficient, sir. I have heard of you before. Go, take yourinfamous beef contract out of this establishment. The InteriorDepartment has nothing whatever to do with subsistence for the army."

  I went away. But I was exasperated now. I said I would haunt them;I would infest every department of this iniquitous government till thatcontract business was settled. I would collect that bill, or fall, asfell my predecessors, trying. I assailed the Postmaster-General;I besieged the Agricultural Department; I waylaid the Speaker of theHouse of Representatives. They had nothing to do with army contracts forbeef. I moved upon the Commissioner of the Patent Office.

  I said, "Your August Excellency, on or about--"

  "Perdition! have you got HERE with your incendiary beef contract, atlast? We have nothing to do with beef contracts for the army, my dearsir."

  "Oh, that is all very well--but somebody has got to pay for that beef.It has got to be paid now, too, or I'll confiscate this old Patent Officeand everything in it."

  "But, my dear sir--"

  "It don't make any difference, sir. The Patent Office is liable for thatbeef, I reckon; and, liable or not liable, the Patent Office has got topay for it."

  Never mind the details. It ended in a fight. The Patent Office won.But I found out something to my advantage. I was told that the TreasuryDepartment was the proper place for me to go to. I went there. I waitedtwo hours and a half, and then I was admitted to the First Lord of theTreasury.

  I said, "Most noble, grave, and reverend Signor, on or about the 10th dayof October, 1861, John Wilson Macken--"

  "That is sufficient, sir. I have heard of you. Go to the First Auditorof the Treasury."

  I did so. He sent me to the Second Auditor. The Second Auditor sent meto the Third, and the Third sent me to the First Comptroller of theCorn-Beef Division. This began to look like business. He examined hisbooks and all his loose papers, but found no minute of the beef contract.I went to the Second Comptroller of the Corn-Beef Division. He examinedhis books and his loose papers, but with no success. I was encouraged.During that week I got as far as the Sixth Comptroller in that division;the next week I got through the Claims Department; the third week I beganand completed the Mislaid Contracts Department, and got a foothold in theDead Reckoning Department. I finished that in three days. There wasonly one place left for it now. I laid siege to the Commissioner of Oddsand Ends. To his clerk, rather--he was not there himself. There weresixteen beautiful young ladies in the room, writing in books, and therewere seven well-favored young clerks showing them how. The young womensmiled up over their shoulders, and the clerks smiled back at them, andall went merry as a marriage bell. Two or three clerks that were readingthe newspapers looked at me rather hard, but went on reading, and nobodysaid
anything. However, I had been used to this kind of alacrity fromFourth Assistant Junior Clerks all through my eventful career, from thevery day I entered the first office of the Corn-Beef Bureau clear till Ipassed out of the last one in the Dead Reckoning Division. I had got soaccomplished by this time that I could stand on one foot from the momentI entered an office till a clerk spoke to me, without changing more thantwo, or maybe three, times.

  So I stood there till I had changed four different times. Then I said toone of the clerks who was reading:

  "Illustrious Vagrant, where is the Grand Turk?"

  "What do you mean, sir? whom do you mean? If you mean the Chief of theBureau, he is out."

  "Will he visit the harem to-day?"

  The young man glared upon me awhile, and then went on reading his paper.But I knew the ways of those clerks. I knew I was safe if he got throughbefore another New York mail arrived. He only had two more papers left.After a while he finished them, and then he yawned and asked me what Iwanted.

  "Renowned and honored Imbecile: on or about--"

  "You are the beef-contract man. Give me your papers."

  He took them, and for a long time he ransacked his odds and ends.Finally he found the Northwest Passage, as I regarded it--he found thelong lost record of that beef contract--he found the rock upon which somany of my ancestors had split before they ever got to it. I was deeplymoved. And yet I rejoiced--for I had survived. I said with emotion,"Give it me. The government will settle now." He waved me back, andsaid there was something yet to be done first.

  "Where is this John Wilson Mackenzie?" said he.

  "Dead."

  "When did he die?"

  "He didn't die at all--he was killed."

  "How?"

  "Tomahawked."

  "Who tomahawked him?"

  "Why, an Indian, of course. You didn't suppose it was the superintendentof a Sunday-school, did you?"

  "No. An Indian, was it?"

  "The same."

  "Name of the Indian?"

  "His name? I don't know his name."

  "Must have his name. Who saw the tomahawking done?"

  "I don't know."

  "You were not present yourself, then?"

  "Which you can see by my hair. I was absent.

  "Then how do you know that Mackenzie is dead?"

  "Because he certainly died at that time, and I have every reason to believethat he has been dead ever since. I know he has, in fact."

  "We must have proofs. Have you got the Indian?"

  "Of course not."

  "Well, you must get him. Have you got the tomahawk?"

  "I never thought of such a thing."

  "You must get the tomahawk. You must produce the Indian and thetomahawk. If Mackenzie's death can be proven by these, you can then gobefore the commission appointed to audit claims with some show of gettingyour bill under such headway that your children may possibly live toreceive the money and enjoy it. But that man's death must be proven.However, I may as well tell you that the government will never pay thattransportation and those traveling expenses of the lamented Mackenzie.It may possibly pay for the barrel of beef that Sherman's soldierscaptured, if you can get a relief bill through Congress making anappropriation for that purpose; but it will not pay for the twenty-ninebarrels the Indians ate."

  "Then there is only a hundred dollars due me, and that isn't certain!After all Mackenzie's travels in Europe, Asia, and America with thatbeef; after all his trials and tribulations and transportation; after theslaughter of all those innocents that tried to collect that bill! Youngman, why didn't the First Comptroller of the Corn-Beef Division tell methis?"

  "He didn't know anything about the genuineness of your claim."

  "Why didn't the Second tell me? why didn't the Third? why didn't allthose divisions and departments tell me?"

  "None of them knew. We do things by routine here. You have followed theroutine and found out what you wanted to know. It is the best way.It is the only way. It is very regular, and very slow, but it is verycertain."

  "Yes, certain death. It has been, to the most of our tribe. I begin tofeel that I, too, am called. Young man, you love the bright creature yonder withthe gentle blue eyes and the steel pens behind her ears--I see it in your softglances; you wish to marry her--but you are poor. Here, hold out your hand--here is the beef contract; go, take her and be happy! Heaven bless you, mychildren!"

  This is all I know about the great beef contract that has created so muchtalk in the community. The clerk to whom I bequeathed it died. I knownothing further about the contract, or any one connected with it. I onlyknow that if a man lives long enough he can trace a thing through theCircumlocution Office of Washington and find out, after much labor andtrouble and delay, that which he could have found out on the first day ifthe business of the Circumlocution Office were as ingeniouslysystematized as it would be if it were a great private mercantileinstitution.